Earlier this year I got Very Sad, and so I asked my friends for advice on how to not be sad. Here’s what they said:
Just be sad
—JM
Be sad. Be absolutely and unmanageably sad. Sit on the floor and cry. Sit in your bed and cry, harder, because you didn’t make it to the floor. Leave drinks with your friend early because the only thing you can think of to say is: I’m so sad. But you’ve already said that five times this hour, and he’s kind of bored of hearing it. Try to listen to music. Fail to listen to music. Find yourself staring at a wall. Smoke a pack of cigarettes. Be sad.
When my last boyfriend dumped me in college, I called my mom and told her I couldn’t go to class, or do anything, and the only thing I could do was sit on the floor and cry. She gave me the following advice: If you can not do that, don’t do that, but if you can’t not do it, then do it. Sit on the floor and cry. Don’t go to class. If that’s all you can do, then do it.
Now, I understand this seems like terrible advice. And I get that the much more productive advice would be something like: Go to the gym, work on a project, pick up photographing squished rats and make a collage out of them. Print out that collage and post it on street signs across Bushwick. Become incredibly famous from these guerrilla collage street signs. Make hundreds of thousands of dollars. Use that money to invest in property that won’t flood in the impending global crisis. Become a baron in the post-apocalyptic world. Who’s sad now?
But here is what I say to advice about turning your sadness into action: Fuck that. Your sadness is an action. There is nothing more productive than just being sad. This is your life; the gift is that you get to move through it.
Here is an anecdote I think about a lot. My friend was taking care of his 90-year-old grandmother. Part of that care involved taking her to Alcoholics Anonymous. One morning, at the meeting, someone got up and said the following:
I used to drink to escape sadness and anxiety, but what I realized is, in doing so, I was escaping life.
Your sadness is not something that you leave behind. It is not a place that you exit, such that you may arrive somewhere better in the future. Your sadness is the journey you are going on, as is your happiness and your anger and your indifference.
When my college boyfriend dumped me, I cried every single day for three months. This was solidly over half the time our relationship lasted. I would show up to class (cry) go outside (cry) go home (cry). Once, between classes, a friend and I were smoking cigarettes (cry). I’m so jealous of you, she said, that you get to experience this much grief.
It was a strange thing to hear at the time, but it was also the most helpful thing anyone said to me. Grief wasn’t a bad thing; it was just one of the many adventures that life had to offer.
The only way to experience life is mediated through your emotions. There is no experience outside of your feelings about the experience, such that your feelings are intrinsically tied to experience itself. Imagine you are staring out at a great mountain. Imagine the feeling of awe. What do I do, you ask your friend, about how small I feel? You do nothing. You keep staring. You came for this.
Cry a lot
—MC
Things I do when I’m sad (I don’t think these are particularly helpful or transferable but maybe they will help you feel normal):
- Cry a lot… at inopportune times… until I eventually feel silly and a little less sad.
- Talk to my friends about why I’m sad and then accidentally talk about something else and momentarily forget that I’m sad at all and realize that other things exist. (This is by far the most helpful thing for me as you likely know).
- Ride an electric Citi Bike through the park because it doesn’t take much physical effort other than getting there and it’s fun to go fast.
- Sad journal. Then reread my past sad journals and think “jeez that was dramatic”.
- Look at old pictures from my friends or family to remind myself that I am loved and have experienced beautiful things.
- Watch TV or movie with a friend because then it’s a shared experience and I can actually focus instead of wallowing.
But in all honesty I don’t think there’s much more helpful than just time. And being patient with yourself and your emotions.
Be alone
—JM
Re: Sad, a few things come to mind. Also pretty much all of mine involve being alone, as this is where I learned to self-soothe. I think the only collective lift I can think of is just calling or talking to a friend and being absolutely vulnerable, and letting them mirror back how normal it is to feel what I’m feeling, when I usually feel so abnormal for feeling sad.
Old Journals
I like what Mika wrote about reflecting on old journal entries. It gives me perspective on where I am now and how that tracks with where I wanted to be. I (usually) feel better after reading through them. They take me out of the morose pit I am stuck in. I don’t think everyone has this experience, I think it depends on your journaling perspective (positive/negative/needy/fulfilled).
Intense Movies
I love a really existentially or emotionally profound movie. It can completely about-face my perspective. Movies are empathy machines (I think this is a Roger Ebert quote) without demanding any proffering of vulnerability other than to yourself. Submitting to yourself, to your deepest truths and desires.
Nice Outfit
I don’t really put much effort into what I wear, but I have the capacity to. I like to just decide today I’m going to look nice for myself and wear an outfit that makes me feel like I’m putting effort in just for me.
Shaving (men!)
Similar to the outfit, I like to shave my face very diligently and intentionally. It feels like a ritual. A renewal. Mind you I use a double edge safety razor and the shaving cream brush, oldschool. It all feels very slow and intentional and focused. I end up feeling like I am taking care of myself after, which feels good.
Subway (believe it!)
If I am on the subway, rather than completely shut off the world around me and bury my mind in a book or podcast or song I will stand at the end of the subway cart and just wander my focus from person to person. I like to just focus on being totally present in my mind and body, and just have simple thoughts about how all these people are living their own little lives with their own little problems and anxieties and fleeting moments of joy. And here we all are just in-between. When I can really connect with this feeling it feels wonderful. Bonus points if it’s in the morning and everyone is a little sleepy.
Bonus!
Rule of 3
When I am feeling really connected to the world I have this sort of intrinsic rule where if something in the world engages with me 3 times I need to act on it in some way. Like if I see the exact same bag carried by a stranger 3 times I will just act on my impulse to say something. “Wow, that is the 3rd time I saw that bag today” or “where did you get that bag?“. Or if I overhear someone saying something that sparks a connection inside me I will engage with them ;). It kind of gives me an opportunity to reach out, to engage with the world and with people, which is what I struggle to do.
Also
- EG: Intense exercise - something that actually makes you sweat - ideally accompanied by a nice meal or snack as a reward.
- PP: Witness the sadness and be with it. Then, ask the sadness if it has a message, wait however long for something to come up. Repeat what comes up aloud slowly, and feel what happens in your body: some phrases may resonate more than others. Witness this too.
- BK: My advice is funny friends funny friends funny friends - for troubles of the heart. And time alone and books and walks for that lonely feeling - when friends don’t fill you up.
- EM: The only thing that has really ever worked for me when I’ve been sad is to remember the last time I was hella sad, and take solace in the fact that it was a transient state of affairs, the sadness does end and so will the current sadness. Then it becomes more about… being OK with the sad and passing the time as best I can knowing that it is a very finite thing.