Always remember, mine Sadie: life is very long, unless it is not.”
—Gabrielle Zevin
Last week I was talking to MP on the subway about death, aging, etcetera (see The end)). She asked if I would have any regrets about the way I’m living my life if I died right now. The honest answer is: no, not really.
Like I said last time, I don’t want to die anytime soon. There’s lots of things I’d like to do first, such as:
- Watch JM & JS get married
- See my cousins’ babies grow up
- Figure out how to create, maintain, or join a stable community without a religious or corporate underpinning
- Find the right balance between meaningful work, relationships (platonic/familial/romantic), creativity, and Straight Chillin™
- [JM points out that this isn’t a “static” thing that you can achieve and then leave to rest. It’s transient, shifting like water. If and when we achieve it, balance still takes constant effort & attention to maintain.]
- Become a parent
- Get unbelievably jacked
- I’d also settle for a regular/believable amount of jacked
I haven’t done any of these things, so of course it would be sad if I didn’t because of my premature death, rather than a change in priorities. (Not that I would be around to experience the sadness if I was dead.) But I don’t think “regret” comes into the picture, because even though I haven’t already done everything I want to do, I feel like I’m doing my best, more or less, to work towards those things. For example, I’m working on:
- (re: wedding) Staying alive until August
- (re: community) Potluck/newsletter/garden/thinking really hard about it
- (re: balance) Getting back into drawing; taking more nights off from socializing
- (re: parenthood) Exploring love & romance/thinking really hard about it
- hmu if you know any kids of single moms looking for a Cool Stepdad™
- (Not actually)
- hmu if you know any kids of single moms looking for a Cool Stepdad™
- (re: jacked) Picking things up and putting them down
I’m also trying to have a good/chill time by not being so utterly goal-oriented that I stop appreciating what’s right in front of me (see: the thesis of my last piece).
Which isn’t to say that there aren’t areas for improvement. There’s plenty of stuff I’m not actively working on that I’d like to be. Things I’m currently failing at include (but are not limited to):
- Visiting my parents enough
- (Sorry mom & dad I love you so much)
- Sleeping enough
- [Not me drinking coffee at 8:30pm while writing this…]
- Being not depressed
- (Don’t worry I’m only a tiny little baby bit depressed right now)
But I already feel tasked to capacity by my present exertions. And that’s OK! You can’t work on all the things [insert hyperbole-and-a-half meme here] at the same time. You work really hard on one or two or seven things (e.g. applying to jobs) until you’ve gotten to a healthy plateau (e.g. finding a job), which clears up mental space for you to work on something else.
Or maybe you give up. Maybe the goal was too hard, or it just wasn’t actually that important to you. Or maybe it was really important, but your priorities shifted, because your environment changed, or you’ve changed. That’s totally fine, too. My priorities have certainly not stayed consistent throughout my first 30 years of life. For example, when I was ten my priorities were:
- Eat cake icing directly from the can
- Make 1 million gold in RuneScape
- Avoid my uncle Naimi so he couldn’t conscript me for physical labor
I may have stopped “growing up” in the physical sense, but I’m certainly not done changing. I’m not beholden to my ten-year-old self’s priorities, and ten years from now years I won’t force myself to pursue my current ambitions if they no longer reflect my inner desires. This might mean giving up on some of the longer term goals I listed up top, but that’s fine. It’s good, actually.
One of the most important things to develop as we get older (IMO) is the humility to let go of our old dreams, while cultivating our passion for life so we can come up with new ones. Life is very long, unless it is not; you don’t have to dream the same dreams forever.
[I did eventually make a million gold in RuneScape, but not until I was 26. I take it all back, don’t give up on your dreams!]